Pictured here (left to right) is Chrissy Innominato (my sister, Type 9), Annette Innominato (my mother, Type 2), and me (Type 7).

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Riso and Hudson call this triad the Positive Outlook Group. They say,

“The Positive Outlook Group is composed of types Nine, Two, and Seven. All three respond to conflict and difficulty by adopting, as much as possible, a “positive attitude,” reframing disappointment in some positive way. They want to emphasize the uplifting aspects of life and to look at the bright side of things. These types are morale-builders who enjoy helping other people feel good because they want to stay feeling good themselves (“I don’t have a problem”).

When my sister (the Type 9) is around my mom (Type 2) and I, she minimizes her problems, yes. But, Mom exaggerates the problem as a result, worries, frets, tries to solve it…offers solutions, options. In this dynamic, when we aren’t paying attention, inevitably my sister plays the role of “the victim”, my mother “the rescuer”. My sister might react defensively, defending her decisions, and mom feels compelled to voice the opposite position. For my part (Type 7), I defend my sister by blasting my mother, “leave her alone, she’s fine, (denying the problem)…what you’re doing isn’t helping!.” Mom feels defeated, sis feels bad about herself, I’m pissed. Hardly a “Positive Outlook Group”.

When my sis and I are alone, I am the rescuer- asking questions, inquiring into options. Meanwhile, months go by, and very little gets evolved! Big sigh.

We are all very well intentioned. We get into this snarl again and again (AND I’m a therapist!).
When we talk about these dynamics, things move. We laugh. We can see through our habitual responses to the heart of the matter. Maybe something changes, maybe it doesn’t.

What is most important is that we don’t stop bringing awareness and intention to our relationship. I know we love each other very much. And, we are growing together.

Knowing the enneagram and systemic dynamics really helps us to see that how we dance is to be expected given our types-in-relationship. That’s a good thing. Then, we can deepen into the moment and discover what is really needed. I bet a hug would be just right.