Rachel, my business partner, is a type eight. As I was getting to know her, I hypothesized that she was several other types before I realized that she was an eight.

I didn’t think an eight would cry during a conflict.

Rachel would occasionally get teary in conflict with me when things got intense. So, I asked her about it.

She said,

I’ve come to realize that I cry when I get angry. I think there’s a way that it’s the path of least resistence inside me. My true anger feels like its so intense that it would destroy everything in its path, so I keep it from running rampant. But with that restriction comes frustration and grief, so the tears you see are a mix of me being frustrated, sad about the conflict, and (if I dig deep enough) scared. When I was younger, I would actually feel my throat close up when I’d get into conflict with people. I can easily get mad when I’m on my own, and feel safe expressing it because no one is going to get hurt. But when I’m trying to work it out with someone I’m angry at, it gets all balled and twisted up because I’ve come to believe that if my anger came out in full force, I would have no friends or family left. My anger would sever all my connections and I would be alone. Hence, tears. As an 8, some part of me feels emminently destructive.

I find this information interesting and so helpful. My initial stereotype about type eights was that they’d just be big and loud in conflict, and I’d get bowled over. I also believed that they wouldn’t show their vulnerabilty, for fear that they’d be revealing their weakness to me. Getting to know Rachel challenged my assumption.

Now I wonder about gender difference in type eight, if type eight men ever experience anything like this, or if tears show up more in female type eights simply because of cultural expectation and norms. And I’m curious about ways that Rachel and I can have healthy expressions of anger shared in our relationship. Now that we’re talking about it, it’s likely we’ll find them.

So here’s the tip: Don’t rule out type eight just because you see tears and easy vulnerability. Be curious and look deeper. You may be surprised by what you find.